The Hope Lady

During the Christmas break I had the opportunity to teach a seminar at Ignite, our ministry's national conference. The topic I chose way back in August, was hope. The Miracle of Hope was my title and challenge to convey.

When I chose the topic I was feeling very hopeful, in fact better than I had felt in years. I was thrilled to get to share on a topic that I had learned so much about and come out on the other side of. Unfortunately, by October I was not feeling quite so hopeful any more. I was struggling with God to understand where exactly we can put our hope.

I knew that I was supposed to put my hope in God, and that's great, but it seemed so limiting, and so simplistic. I had an hour to speak, should I just tell them to put their hope in God and then dismiss them? It seemed like such a bumper sticker answer, and I'm much too long winded for that.

I know that we're supposed to put our hope in seeing Jesus one day, and while that does give me great hope and I eagerly look forward to that day, it seems that we must have more hope here and now.

What I realized as I wrestled with God over this, was that I wanted to continue to hope in people, in specific relationships in my life and the results that I craved. Unfortunately, that is exactly what God was asking me to let go of. Whether family members that I wished could engage on a deeper level with me, or my at-risk students who I wanted to see transformed, God asked me to release my vice grip on this hope I have in people.

Out for a walk one day with my son and our dog I was delighting in them and the new fallen snow. We made snow angels, threw snow balls, chased our dog around and laughed as she frolicked with complete abandon. And I was filled with pure, unadulterated joy. It was one of those moments that I wish I could bottle, put on a shelf and open just a crack every once in a while to remember its beauty.

And in that moment I felt like God asked me, "Isn't this enough?" I stopped in my tracks and realized there was no end to what I hoped for other people. For my students, I don't just want to help them be successful in school, I want them to know peace and love, to be provided for and have a support system. But I felt like God asked me if the possibility of these moments wasn't enough. If they, if I, get to experience this kind of love and joy and delight for just a few moments of our lives, isn't that enough? Isn't that the hope that we crave?

So, in my seminar I told a lot of my story, the hopelessness that I come from and the miraculous place that I am now. I talked for an hour, read an abundance of verses on putting our hope in God alone, but in all the fantastic aspects of our Infinite God, and then I read some slam poetry at the end (just for fun). And somehow, God spoke and people heard.

Thirsty hearts were quenched with a little hope from their Creator and I got to hear a little bit from many of these. It was wonderful for the rest of the conference to have people come up and tell me they needed to hear what I shared, they were struggling with hope themselves, and that somehow my story brought them hope.

As I was leaving town, I stopped at Starbucks for some chai and as I waited in line I listened to two girls chat in front of me. They were college students that I didn't recognize, but when we were about to get our drinks they looked at me and one of them said, "Hey, aren't you the Hope Lady?"

Why, yes I am.

If you want to hear my teaching, The Miracle of Hope, go to www.gcmignite.org and click on audio video, then breakout audio, click sermon player and then scroll down to my teaching title. Grab some chai and sit back and hope.:)

Insults and Such

It has been too long since I last blogged, and unfortunately I do not have a finished novel, but I am much farther and have learned a great deal about writing and the joy it brings to my soul.

But I wanted to talk about an insult I received on Facebook. To start off the new year I had an old friend (and ex-boyfriend) add a comment to one of my photos that has since been deleted. It went something like this: "Just keep those hairy ape-arms hidden (sorry I remember that)."

Lovely, I thought. A grown man trying to take me back to my insecure days of elementary school. It is true. I have hairy arms, even started shaving my legs in 4th grade, and not because I hit puberty early. But I didn't shave or wax my arms because stubbly arms didn't sound very appealing and I wasn't too fond of pain at the time. But this was the one thing for which I was made fun of throughout my childhood.

It is interesting to hear the insult now, as an adult who knows a little more about life and who she is. I now realize that this is the most minor aspect of myself, and actually has some benefits that my husband doesn't complain about - a little extra testosterone in the system is not all bad.;)

But even more than that I realize that for someone to reach out and publicly publish an unkind comment there must be an issue, some hidden motive. If you've read my post on regrets with boyfriends, you know that he has plenty to fuel the ex-boyfriend fodder. But we've had perfectly civil conversations over the last several years, so I think something must have sparked some malice.

Here's my theory. He posted his insult on the day that my status update read:

"Celebrating 15 awesome years with Joel, praising God for his goodness."

Now this fellow, we'll call him Matt, is an atheist. A passionate, devoted anti-God atheist. I am not. I love God. I am forever grateful to Jesus for being my friend, savior and lover of my soul. Matt knows this, but I think that seeing my status angered him and he had to lash out in some way. I'm not sure, but that's my theory.

It's interesting because I've been praying for Matt to know God and his love, to feel the peace that can be his with knowing Jesus and the grace he offers. Matt was divorced a few years ago and I prayed for him through that time and like most of us, he has demons he is fighting. And so every time I think of him I pray.

And I'm afraid that my status update seemed like bragging:

"Look at me, 15 years! I have exclusive rights to God's goodness!"

Which is not what I meant at all. What I meant was:

"What an amazing miracle! I am a child of divorce (multiple, in fact). I was married at 21. We have lived on a shoestring budget since our wedding day and at times have not known how we were going to make it, trying to buy groceries for a family of 6 on $40 a week. All this to say that I am married against all odds and statistics. It feels like a miracle of God's goodness."

If, on the other hand, I had been divorced 5 times by now, God would be no less good. I might want to utilize some wisdom in future relationships, but God's goodness is not dependent on my circumstances. God is good. That is fact. And I have found that as I seek him, read his word and attempt to follow it, hang out with others who love God and share that love with people who don't, I tend to feel God's peace. I feel joy. And I see his goodness. I feel it as I share in it.

I don't know why God has been so good to me. I know he loves me and desires to give me good things, but I believe he feels that for all of his children. I know I had many years of loneliness and at times I feel like shouting that verse from the book of Joel (ironic isn't it?) that says that God will restore the years the locusts have eaten. Oh how he has restored them!

For our anniversary Joel got me a necklace that says simply, "loved." Because that is the most profound truth of my life.

I am loved.

I am loved.

I am loved.

How can it be?
How I wish that Matt knew how loved he is as well.