Rest

"I'm freaking out, Mom, I'm freaking out!"

Those were the words coming from the backseat of our minivan the first day that I drove my oldest to school six years ago. Today the words are mine.

I watched my oldest son ride off to middle school today, on his own. He wanted to ride his bike. He wanted to go alone. He's ready.

I'm not.

I wanted to go with him, make sure he got his locker open and walk him to his first class, maybe even take a picture. You don't think that would affect his middle school status, do you?

I'm trying to figure out how close I can get to the school when it's time for him to head home. If I stay a few blocks away I may not totally humiliate him.

I don't know.

To add insult to injury, I also had to drop my baby girl off at all-day kindergarten today. She was ready, too, she was fine. I thought she might be a little sad to see me go, maybe look up at me longingly as I left. Nothing. I held back the tears, told the teacher to have a good day (code for: please take care of my baby) and left Hope coloring the picture of Barney on her desk.

Then I drove off, alone. Came home to a quiet house, only my puppy waiting for me. No one asking for a snack or to watch t.v. or to play with me. I can clean the house without anyone following behind me to mess it up again, until 2:45.

I feel this odd sense of joyous freedom tinged with crushing anxiety. Twelve years now. Twelve years of raising kids, being a stay at home mom, maybe working part-time, but mostly with my kids all day, every day, for twelve years.

I feel like I've earned this. Earned a little break. But I miss them. It is excruciating having to wait six hours to hear how their days went - if Joshua scraped his knee on the playground, how Gabe likes his first male teacher, if Lukas was shoved into his locker (he checked to see if he would fit when we visited the school - he does, just barely), and if Hope likes school.

And so, when the anxiety starts ramping up and I feel like I might not be able to take it anymore, I get on my knees and give them back to the One who never leaves them, always knows how they are, and somehow loves them infinitely more than me.

And He says to me, "Rest."

"Rest in me. Trust in me. I will care for them when you cannot. I want you to rest."

Okay, I'll try. I'm still eager to hear their stories when they get home, but for now I'm going to drink my chai and rest.

Vacating

Last week, for the first time ever, we went on vacation with our kids. We've camped with them, visited grandparents and even lived in the mountains and at the beach for entire summers (for my husband's job), but we had never just gotten away for the sake of getting away and having fun as a family. And it was awesome.

We went to the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee because we got a good deal on a cabin and we could drive there in one day. The cabin was gorgeous, with a hot tub on the deck and jacuzzi tubs in each bathroom. The hot tub was used at least every evening, often mornings, too. And Gabe soon figured out what fun it was to wash in the bathtub and then turn the jets on.:)
Since I actually had my own master bath, I refused to let anyone under the age of 13 use it. And it stayed miraculously clean all five days!

The first day of our trip we went tubing down the river. The river was a little low, so it ended up being a bit more work than we expected. Joel took Hope and I took Joshua as we floated down the river, keeping them on course, unwedging their tubes from between rocks, and helping pull them over low rapids.

The kids' favorite part of it was when we stopped at some giant boulders that they could either jump off of or swing from a rope into the river. I wish I had a water proof camera. Joel and I were exhausted by the end, but had stayed cool in the 95 degree heat and had a lot of fun as a family.





The next day, Joel's parents were gracious enough to come and hang out with the kids while we had some time out to ourselves. I wanted to do something adventurous, like kayak down the river, but with the river so low we thought we'd be pulling our kayaks more than paddling. Our second option was to go zip lining, until we got there and asked how high it was. Joel has no fear of heights and would have loved it, but wouldn't do it when he saw the terror on my face when they said I'd be hanging 200 - 300 feet above ground. So, I got to see the Titanic. That's the actual ice berg that caused its demise. Cool, huh?

And then on our last day I planned an awesome hike to a water fall that we could walk behind. I mean, how cool would that be to go behind a water fall, and what a photo op?

Unfortunately, for some reason I thought that 3.5 miles meant round trip, not one way. So with my family wilting in the heat and exhausted from the hours long uphill climb, we gave up and stopped at a place where water did fall, just not quite as dramatically as we had hoped.

But, the kids had fun climbing around and we got a nice family photo, which always makes me happy.



















That night was our last night, so we went into town for a delicious Mexican meal and then went to a mirror maze that was so much cooler than I ever imagined. We really couldn't tell what was a mirror and what was real. But we eventually found our way out and then headed to Pirate Black Light Golf.
















This is me posing in front of another scenic water fall while Joel focuses on his game. He was a little disappointed in the greens. I tried to explain that quality of course was hardly the point. Men and golf, what can you do?

After that we headed back to the cabin to pack up. When Hope and Josh realized what was going on they started crying. They wanted to stay and keep having fun. I think Josh loved his bedroom so much he would have been happy to move in permanently. But I guess tears are a sign that we accomplished our goal of a fun, bonding family vacation.


The next day we left our beautiful cabin in Sherwood Forest, drove out of the Smoky Mountains and headed home to prepare for school. Summer will be over for us tomorrow and the chaos of managing six lives going in all of their different directions will begin again. But I'm so glad that we had a chance to create some awesome memories for our kids, and us, too.