They didn't cheer.
This is a good thing.
They didn't cheer.
I thought they would. I prepared myself to know that deep down they didn't mean it. But I told them I was leaving and they didn't cheer. God is kind.
Two weeks ago my husband and I decided that I needed to quit my job. For the last two years I have worked as a middle school teacher at an after school program for at-risk kids. Even though I don't live in a very big city, our schools essentially function as inner city schools and these are the students that I have worked with.
And I love them.
They have made me laugh and cry, feel angry and happy, hopeful and hopeless.
My first year on the job I felt like a complete failure. Every day that I couldn't get them to calm down, not tell each other to shut up or put one another down, every day that they brought in another "F" or disciplinary referral or I found out they were suspended...again, I felt like I had failed.
It was a long and painful process to realize that my job was not to save them or make them successful or even make their lives easier. I could do so little in a few hours a day, especially when they were already exhausted or angry or just plain done after a long day at school.
I found that my role was to just show up. To offer them a kind smile and a warm welcome, to encourage them to study and learn, to find their gifts and talents and offer them to the world, and most of all, my job was to love them. No matter what.
And I tried.
And so, yesterday I spent the day emotionally preparing for their responses. I was sure that some would cheer, glad to be rid of me, happy to see me go, but hopefully knowing that no matter how they felt, I had loved them. I was ready for anger, too, the go-to response in that classroom, but I didn't see that either.
There was surprise and confusion, even some sadness. I gave them a picture of our class and one last "proverb," as I called the wise sayings I had them memorize every week (for a blowpop reward). And then I wrote a personal note to each one of them. An honest note telling each one of them what I saw in them, what gifts and talents I looked forward to watching them develop, encouraging them to set goals and to work to achieve them. I was making sure they knew they mattered, to me.
And I told them I loved them. Because it is true. No matter how hard this job became. No matter how much abuse I received. When I left for the day, I hurt because I loved them so much, wanted to do so much more for them, felt like such a failure.
Yesterday Zhylon said he would miss the sweet things I say. I got to hug a few students good bye.
Kindness wasn't lost.
I told them I was leaving, and they didn't cheer.
