Fear, Purpose & Public Speaking

This cartoon is one of my husband's all-time favorites. I think it's interesting because instead of fearing public speaking, I feel compelled to do it. Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to teach at a friend's church for a women's conference. 130 women of all ages came to enjoy some time together, several high quality seminars, worship, and me. It was especially strange to realize that my picture was plastered all over her church and was sent to hundreds of women, inviting them to come and listen to me share what was on my heart.

I always fear that it seems like pride to put myself out there, to think that I have anything to offer these women, to get up on a stage and ask for their undivided attention. It is a strange thing. And yet, since I was 18 years old I have believed that this is what God has had for me, this is what he has asked of me. He has asked me to lay down my fears, lay my reputation on his altar, and leap in faith. An absurd sort of faith that God is speaking things to me that he wants shared with others.

While trying to pursue what God has told me, I have feared everything from humiliating failure to delusional thoughts. How can we really know when God is speaking to us? We just have to jump. Jump out off the cliff that we fear most and hope that God will catch us and keep the word we think he has given us.

And he did. Two weeks ago I stood up in front of women of all ages and told them that I knew the purpose for their lives. I looked them in their aging eyes and told them that they are beautiful, and wonderfully made, and that they were designed for love. They were created to be objects of affection. Their purpose is, and always has been, to love and be loved.

We laughed and cried together as I walked them through the seasons of life that we face as women. I knew I was connecting with them and I loved it.

And as I shared these things, even as I think of them now, my heart swells with the love that I know God has for them, with the love God longs for them to know and feel and share and delight in. When I stand on that stage my one purpose is to get at their hearts and then to let God fill them up. When I do this time flies.

When I practiced my two teachings they both came out to 30 minutes. This was strange and troubling. I tend to be a person who can barely be kept to a 45 minute time frame, and I was supposed to fill 50, for each teaching. This made me nervous, but I thought, well, now I can slow down and share a few more stories, be ready to share something God spontaneously puts on my heart.

And I filled the time. I was nervous and insecure about what these women would think of me, and yet absolutely sure that this is what God had for me. I don't know why he chose me for this. I just know that he did. And I delight to speak of the love of God to anyone who will listen.

In one of the seminars I went to, the teacher asked what things we enjoy so much that time flies. What kind of things do we start in on and look up to find that an hour has passed in a blink? When I teach that certainly happens, probably why it's so hard for me to keep to a set time frame. When I read or write, time passes without me even knowing it. I used to draw a lot, and I remember getting lost in my charcoal and pencils and sketchbook, completely unaware of an outside world. I love those things. The things that we were made to do, that our whole being gets wrapped up in, that get our hearts and minds and bodies and souls all engaged at once.

I wonder if you've found something like that. If you feel that you know what you were created to do. I'd love to hear if you do.



Me and my chica's hanging out at the conference: Andrea (a.k.a. my rockin' guest artist who sang two powerful songs for the conf.) and Crystal the Beautiful (my dearly missed friend and MC for the conf.).

The Perks of Self-Control

I'm considering blogging about something besides what I eat at some point, but this is the primary occupation of my life right now (besides the husband and 4 kids, of course).

It has been just over two weeks without chocolate, though I do have to confess that I snuk some cake batter last night while making Gabe's cake. How am I supposed to get through this candy and birthday cake weekend without slipping? I don't know, maybe I need to pray more. But I do consider it a minor victory that it was white cake batter and not chocolate. Still no chocolate.:(

On the bright side, I have now lost 6 pounds. Let me tell you, this is one effective weight loss plan. I feel like I'm losing weight so fast I'll have to get the excess skin cut off by the time this is over, like the bariatric patients do. (Sorry if that was a gross image.)

My jeans are a little loser, my shirts fall straighter, and I'm starting to feel just a little better about myself as Spring approaches. At Christmas time I had resorted to photoshopping out my belly rolls (specimen A to the right). You should hear my fat sound. It is a sound that I make to describe the excess fat on my body, but I can only do it spontaneously, like on an especially fat day. Joel thinks it's hilarious. He always says there's just more of me to love. Thanks, honey.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you some of my favorite new foods:

Pineapple - awesome dessert, even out of the can. My kids and I fight for the juice.
Kiwi - I got a bag of 6 at Aldi for $1.50 - cheap and sweet! Yummy breakfast food.
Whole Cashews - My favorite nut, usually don't splurge on them, but no time like the chocolate-free present.
Dried Berries - supposedly a health food, but when I read the label I saw that they added sugar!
GUACAMOLE!!! I was born in California, so this is my ode to the avacado.
Nacho chips with a hint of jalapeno - just enough kick to make the chip oh so mouthwatering.
Pickles and grilled tuna sandwich - the most satisfying lunch I've had on this fast.
Diet A&W - the least horrendous of the diet family. Thankful that something can meet my need for pop every once in a while (I'll let you know if any tumors form).

The interesting thing about this fast is that foods taste more intense now. When I bit into that pickle the other day my mouth exploded with flavor - it was awesome.

I read this article that said that overweight people don't respond to sweets the way thinner people do. The thin people trigger a release of seratonin when they have sweets, while the heavier people need more dessert to get the same pleasure response. It's as though their taste buds and brains have been dulled to the pleasure. I'm pretty sure this happened with me as I went from cookie dough to Cherry Coke to Dove chocolate trying to make myself feel better.

So, I've actually been enjoying expanding my food horizons, eating fruits and veggies instead of junk and losing weight while exhibiting self-control. My poor husband, on the other hand, has had the opposite response. He says that the longer he does this, the less any food has positive taste to him. Even his favorite meals don't taste as good. This man is a freak of nature. He also seems to be lacking endorphins. After exercise he just feels tired.

Pray for him. He needs it.

9 Days and Counting

9 days. I have gone 9 days without chocolate. It has been challenging and frustrating at times, but there have been some rewards.

I have lost 4 pounds. In 9 days. I know that's great, but it's also a little sad. Do you know how much chocolate that means I eat normally? I don't know exact numbers, but a lot.

It reminds me of when I was nursing my daughter. She was a very fussy baby, more so than any of my other babies, so I called the lactation consultant to ask if there was anything I could do. She started asking me a series of questions about Hope and then about my diet. It went something like this:
"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"
"No, I don't like coffee."
"What about tea?"
"Green tea."
"That shouldn't affect her too much."
"Spicy foods?"
"Some."
"You might want to watch that. What about chocolate?"
"What about it?" (defensive, much?)
"Do you eat a lot of chocolate?"
"Ummmm..." Wondering what her definition of "a lot" is.
"Can you fit it into a cup, one measuring cup?"
"Ummmm..." Let's see, brownie batter, then a couple baked brownies, magic shell on my ice cream, a few Dove chocolates here and there. Maybe if I melt it all down it would fit into a cup.

After long silence.

"Okay, just try to limit the amount of chocolate you eat in a day to 1 cup full. Then it shouldn't affect her too much."
"Got it." Sort of.

Yes. I have a problem. That's the first step, right? Admit that I have a problem. Going cold turkey seems to be working. But this morning I realized I still have 31 more days of this and I got a little discouraged. That is a long time to go without sweets. The only other time I have done this was during my first pregnancy when anything sweeter than a pretzel made me vomit. There's a reason I was able to lose all the baby weight so quickly that time.

I have also started to drink some diet pop. This makes me angry because I've had a long standing moral objection to artificial sweeteners. I'm not sure what my moral stance is based on, maybe some shady research about Diet Coke causing brain tumors or something. But I don't like it.

Just thought you'd want to know.

Fasting (Sort of)

So, yesterday I began a 40 day fast. I know it sounds extreme, but I've been thinking about it for a while and decided that I need to do this. I talked to my husband about it and he's on board. I'm hungry and craving things, but otherwise okay.

Technically I'm not abstaining from all food, just my favorite food - chocolate mostly, also sugar, but the chocolate is the most painful part. Some people say that I'm just giving up sweets for lent, but I'm not catholic and I've never fully understood lent, so I'm not calling it that. I consider it a fast because I normally eat inordinate amounts of chocolate and sweets in a day. Going without is a great sacrifice and will only be successful if it is viewed as a fast.

I know a lot of people who eat to make themselves feel better, I am one of these people. But I keep finding that on the days I feel the worst I eat the most chocolate, cookie dough, brownies and other sweet treats, hence making me feel even more disgusting.

I'm the worst at lunch time. I eat the same thing every day for breakfast - cereal and orange juice, and then I plan every dinner meal for a family of six, which takes some coordination on my part. But lunch, unless I'm going out to eat, just does not appeal to me. Sandwiches are not that exciting, I make a decent salad now and then, but in my post morning, pre-work mindset, lunch just takes too much energy.

So I grab what is appealing. For example, one day I had potato chips, sour cream and onion dip, Cherry Coke and cookie dough for lunch. I was feeling sort of down before the well-balanced lunch, but afterward I felt nauseous as well. This started me thinking - maybe I need to NOT go to these foods for a little while and see what happens.

There is, of course, another motivation. I hear that spring may actually come this year and if it does, then summer will follow, and we have a pool pass, which means I'll have to wear a bathing suit in public and the 15 pounds that I have been unable to lose since having my daughter will be bulging out at all sorts of odd angles.

But I must point out - this is not a diet! I fail miserably at diets. This is a fast. From chocolate, from sugar, from soda. Apparently I can eat as many potato chips and dip as I want, but it's just not as tempting when I can't wash it down with some yummy pop. Same with movie popcorn, darn it! I really wanted some last night. But I do feel thinner this morning and not nauseous from the ridiculous amounts of butter I usually add to the corn. (Thank you, Stephanie, for teaching me the fill-the-bag-half-way, add-butter-then-fill-the-rest-of-the-way-and-add-more-butter technique.)

So, wish me luck, or pray for self-control. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

By the way, what do I do with all the chocolate still left in my house? Give it to charity? Put it in a safe until Easter and then gorge on it? Hmmmm...