On Parenting

This blog is not usually about parenting because I am not an expert parent.

I am an experienced parent, with four kids aged 5-12 I'm pretty sure that's indisputable, but there's a difference.

I think the fact that I'm beginning to get parenting ideas from movies like Despicable Me and Baby Mama is a sign that I am not an expert parent.

The other day I told Joel that I had all of our parenting woes solved. From now on, when our children misbehave they will go in the box of shame (Despicable Me), a lovely cardboard box we could put in the corner of the living room labeled cleverly, "Box of Shame." There is an air hole, so it's humane. And then when our children are good, they will receive the reward of five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact (Steve Martin in Baby Mama). I personally think this is a brilliant plan. As they say at our church (tongue in cheek) "shame produces change!" And really, what could be more rewarding to a child than eye contact with their parent?

In case you don't know me, no need to call DCFS, I'm joking. But the truth is, I started out this journey of parenting reading every book that had a "Godly" plan and tried to follow it to the letter. Over the years I have come to regret a lot of that because it didn't allow me to trust myself as a parent. Sometimes my baby doesn't need to cry it out, but needs to be held, or my son doesn't need strong discipline in this moment, but to know that he matters to me.

And now that my kids are older it has only gotten more complicated. This requires more creativity. A friend told me that psychologist Dan Allender uses fear and humiliation in parenting adolescents. When his middle schooler was too embarrassed to have his dad drop him off at the door of the school, Dan realized that his son didn't want to be seen with him, so the next day Dan took a paper bag, cut out eye holes so he could see, and dropped his son off at the door with a bag over his head. To his amazement, his son never complained again. Now that is parenting genius!

I used to think I'd be a cool parent who my kids wouldn't be embarrassed by. I now realize that is impossible. Once a child reaches the age of 11 they are embarrassed by everything. I have surprised myself to realize the sick delight I now take in mildly humiliating my children. It's too easy, and you've gotta have fun as a parent or you'll just go crazy.

So, fear and humiliation will help Lukas through middle school, whereas Gabe needs focused activity. He brought home a writing exercise yesterday that I was sure was a consequence for out of control behavior, but he insists it was just a regular journal assignment. This is what it said:

Calm Down

By Gabe

I am always getting hyper and getting in trouble for being hyper. My mom and dad started to think of solutions.

One bad solution is warning me, because it is hard to stop. The first solution was to make me read. It didn’t really help. Then a better solution was to make me take deep breaths, because it helped me calm down. An even better solution was to walk away, because then I couldn’t do any more damage.

The real solution that worked and they do now is to make me go outside and do three or five chin ups on the rings, because it wastes my energy and it is fun, too.

It sort of cracks me up that my son is so self-aware that he is critiquing our various attempts at helping him stay out of trouble. I'm glad he thinks we're finally onto something here.

Now Josh is another story. He has the most guilty conscience I've ever seen. The other night he came to me in silence with something clearly weighing on him. After almost a half an hour he finally broke down and confessed that he had taken a large cardboard box from our neighbor's yard without asking them for permission. We talked about how that was wrong and that he had lied about getting permission and we talked about needing to go and apologize to our neighbors. After a little bit I asked if he felt better after telling me. He said no because he was afraid he was going to go to juvie (juvenile detention). I stifled my laughter and told him that though what he did was wrong, I didn't think anyone would send him away for stealing empty cardboard boxes. He was mildly comforted.

But last night, after allowing my kids to watch some t.v. that ended up not being very age appropriate, Josh used some bad language on his brother. Because this has become a trend, I sent him to the bathroom thinking through using the tried and true wash his mouth out with soap method (The Christmas Story). By the time I got to the bathroom for our talk, I couldn't find him. I looked in the shower and he wasn't there and then behind the door. Finally Joshua emerged from under the counter, his face red and streaked with tears. It seemed he had been enduring his own box of shame. I was overcome with compassion for my sensitive boy and chose not to use any soap, but talked to him about sin and forgiveness and saying hurtful things and not letting hurtful things said about you change how you think of yourself.

His older brother had called him a chicken for backing out of a deal that would have certainly caused him physical pain. Josh is so much smaller than his brothers that his only retaliation is fury and the worst words he can think of. As we talked he told me he only knows one bad word and it means, "donkey butt."

That time I laughed out loud really hard. He looked at me like I was crazy, but then relaxed, realizing that if mommy's laughing, the consequences can't be too bad. And so he went to bed assuring me that he would try to control his language and confident that he is loved and forgiven. He and his brother apologized to one another and peace was restored in my home.

Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really have no idea what I'm doing and I mess up a lot. Though shame may, in fact, produce change, it's not the kind of change I want from my kids. I'd rather have them learn the lesson that their mommy clings to as she does her best to parent them - that love covers over a multitude of sins.