Apparently, I'm a bit of a control freak.
My husband chuckles when I say this. Not a, "No, you're not a control freak!" kind of laugh, but a, "Really, you're just figuring this out?" laugh, which I do not appreciate.
It's always irritating when other people know things about me before I do.
But I came to this realization the other day when I mentioned to a friend that I have had a few borderline panic attacks lately. It was odd to me because my life has gotten less stressful since my kids are all in school and I no longer work at a job where I felt like a constant failure.
My friend, after listening to what brought on these attacks, suggested that I make a list of everything I feel responsible for and then share it with my husband, and maybe see what he could take on and be responsible for.
I began my list. I started with all my responsibilities on Monday - everything from getting groceries, to getting kids to their events, to working out, making dinner, checking everyone's homework, teaching my younger two to read, and practicing spelling words, then moved to Tuesday and so on. The list, by the time I was done, had more than 100 items on it, all things that I feel responsible to get done.
I showed Joel the list and he gasped, really. My husband has a lot of responsibility right now with working a full-time job and going to grad school just about full-time, so I try to pick up everything I can for him. But the truth is he does help a lot. He does dishes regularly, throws in a load of laundry here and there, vacuums and such, but when he does these things I usually feel guilty. Like it's a sign of my failure that he needs to pick up my slack when he's already stressed out.
But getting to part 2 of my assignment was difficult. What could I actually give Joel as his responsibility? As in, not my responsibility anymore. The problem was, as much as I didn't want so much responsibility on my shoulders, it was hard for me to let go of any of my list.
If I don't make sure that Joshua's reading is done, will he fall behind? If I don't clean the bathroom myself, will it really get as clean as I like it? Could someone else really work out for me? Man, that would be nice if I could hire a personal trainer to work out and then see the results on my own body! Seriously, why has no one else thought of that?
Anyway, all of this thinking about my myriad of responsibilities made me think about something that Shauna Niequist said in her book, Bittersweet. As a wife and mother, author and speaker, she has made a list of things she doesn't do.
This list includes:
scrap booking
baking (though she buys lovely treats from the bakery)
gardening
home improvement (she says unloading the dishwasher counts as home improvement in her family)
making the bed
I look at her list and think, but I love baking, just not the effects of eating what I bake. Gardening is sort of fun, especially the fresh basil and tomatoes that make the most wonderful bruschetta. And making my bed is the easiest "cleaning" I do of the day.
I know I need to give up some things on my never ending list of responsibilities, but every time I try to make my list it looks something like this:
What I don't do:
Sing well
Keep my house clean enough
Always respond patiently to my children
Eat well enough to get my cholesterol down and lose 10lbs
Save money
Respond to emails promptly
etc...
You get the point. My list of what I don't do is really a list of what I feel bad about not doing well, which is probably not the goal of this exercise.
So, for right now, just having a husband who has compassion for my extensive to-do list is nice. I'm still working on figuring out what I can let go of and sacrifice for my own sanity, without causing my house to spiral out of control.
