I don't often think about the devil. He's sort of out of vogue these days. I tend to focus more on filling up on the good - God's word, the Holy Spirit, Love - so that I have good to give to those around me. Lately, though, I've felt the truth of the words: "He prowls like a lion waiting for an opportune time to attack."
It used to happen in my dreams pretty regularly. I'd go to sleep feeling just fine, then the dreams would begin and soon nightmares would terrorize me. People I loved turned against me, shadows chased me, and things I hadn't given thought to in the day occurred at night. My husband and I began praying every night for peace in my dreams. When we had children, we prayed the same prayer for them as they fought night terrors on a regular basis.
But we've had peace in our home for some time. There are still nightmares from time to time, tears wiped away as my daughter snuggles against the safety of her daddy's chest, but they are few and far between.
Recently, though, I was attacked so suddenly and shockingly I didn't know what had happened or why.
I was sitting with my pastor discussing the book of Hosea. We were talking about Hosea's children, and when he listed them, one name pierced my heart like an arrow. One of Hosea's children was named: "Not Loved".
The purpose of this name was to show the Israelite people that because they continued to rebel against the Lord, they would know what it was like to have His love and blessing withheld from them. He longed for them to come back to Him, to stop turning to other gods and idols, but they would not. This was their consequence.
But for me, those words, that name, "Not Loved," was my greatest fear. It instantly took my heart back to times of deep loneliness and brokenness, wondering if I mattered at all, to anyone.
I have fought for decades to get to the place where I am today - so deep in God's love and the love of people around me, that I haven't felt the depth of that pain in years. It terrified me to feel it again, so suddenly when I was with my pastor reading the Bible of all things.
I nearly cried out in confusion, "What is happening? And how could God name any child this? Even to make a point to His people?" It was so harsh. I prayed and talked to my husband and tried to understand what had happened to take me so quickly to such a dark place, but I couldn't figure it out. It didn't make sense.
The next day I had the opportunity to talk to someone who, after listening for a while, mentioned how Satan used the scriptures to lie to and tempt Jesus in the desert. That was it! Relief washed over me as confusion gave way to clarity. That is what happened!
I sat there ready to drink deeply from the word of God, receive insight from my pastor, hopefully have stimulating conversation about how to teach from this section. Instead, the enemy of my soul saw an opportunity and attacked. He slithered into my ear and whispered, "If God could name that child "Not Loved," then how can you possibly believe He loves you?" And I wondered how - even as I reminded myself of the truth that God is love, that Jesus came because he loves us all, that the greatest of these is love - how could God possibly love me?
There is no simple answer to how it is possible that the God of the Universe could love me. But the Word of God says that it is true.
It is easier to look into your eyes, the eyes of my friends and family members, even strangers and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves You. How could He not? He formed you, He designed you beautifully. He placed His finger on your heart and said, "She is mine. I love her."
And so we have a choice when attacked with such lies - Who will we believe?
In that moment I made my choice - to claim the new name God tattooed on my heart through my years of healing - "Loved One" - because by His goodness and grace that is who I am.
That is who we are, His "Loved Ones".
